Ok, back to the thought of career melding with life. I’ve been thinking more and more about it again. I asked Scott what he thought I would be good at to make cash to pay bills. I didn’t get his opinion, rather he asked what I was passionate about and liked doing. My initial thought was I can’t legally make money with sex. I didn’t say it because with the intensity of conversations last week, being a smart ass wasn’t a good idea I felt.

Wine and food keep playing a huge role in the subject matter of this blog over the course of any year. I partake of both on a regular enough basis that I can say I’ve a passion for them. So, I’m at a point that I’ll do something (grocery store) to keep the bills up while I sort out the details of how to actually enjoy making a living and putting together a coalition to make that happen.

I do believe in keeping it simple for my own sanity, but I think food and wine have got to go together. I had in our conversation scaled back to primarily a wine & cheese shop. But, the more I think about it, getting the up-fit into a simple food service facility with an open kitchen is still better. Do it as a cooking class/service in the evening with a single sitting. Sell the wine and cheese by day, and the classes with pairings at night. Being it will be a classroom setting, the requirements will be lesser than a full scale kitchen. Small intimate environment yields less requirements still. The tasting room is going to require a dish washer for the glassware already. So a stove, prep sink, refrigerator, and over are the only remaining requirements I can come up with so far. Being a dozen or so folks means a value added concept of learn and eat… and drink.

Now, anyone have some money to through at me as an investment?

I laugh as I think about how much I flaked out lately. It’s all on the mend though and will be good in the end. Hmmm…maybe I should get the grocery t o do cooking classes on Saturdays with me.

Have you ever wondered what the F_ _ _ k you were thinking? Tonight I am. I mentioned a comment that had brought something to my attention three times, once by a former employee/friend and Scott himself and in the midst of those two times Scott himself. My integrity and honesty was what had been called into question. Mostly regarding the circumstances of the interview with Washington County, OR.

The result was a silence that had no rival to the silence of a month ago and beyond. I, in fact regretted having brought the issue to light. I think in some recesses of my mind it would have been best left as a dark secret to myself. However, I’m tired of secrets… I’m tired of living half a life.

I may have ruined the attempt at reconciliation, but have been honest or once. The only secret that I know and have is one name. I gave my word that name would remain in my head and so it shall. If that cost me my very own life so be it.

In the end Honesty has won the day and the end result will be unknown until the morning and what it may bring between Scott and I toward the future. Regardless of that revelation, I have no regrets in trying to work things out with him. In the end I leave our destiny together, or separate to him.

Might your day bring light and hope, as might my own day bring to me.

So, it was brought to my attention earlier that I did not, and should have, posted an update on how things are going before I left Boone Thursday. In my defense, I wanted to get some feel for where things back East were going prior to ranting on about it anymore than I have already, but there are other factors that are more important at more within the grasp of understanding too.

So, I think it’ll be a bit simpler to give you an update on each matter of hand.

1) Scoot and I: We are going pretty good! We have talked more and more substantially than we have in a long time. This is a good thing in my opinion. There is still a ton of healing and sorting out to be done, but we’re both sitting at the table together and working on it as a team and couple. I think we’re communicating better than we have in years, maybe ever. I’m heading back to Boone Tuesday – to stay.

2) Work: Well, this has been a challenge of its own right. I was pretty much approaching the same path I’ve been down, even considering talking with the folks in Boone at the health department about going back there. Simple fact of the matter is that work was a huge issue with my psyche and I am not going back to the local health department here, it’s not a healthy, happy place for me. I’ve talked to the other Health Departments that have expressed interest in my working for them and withdrawn from the process, or turned them down. Instead, I’m going to take a cue from Wayne and play grocery boy for a while. The wage will be decent from what I understand at this point and I’ll be in a different setting learning some new skill sets, or at least utilizing some new ones. Funniest part of this being how many years I’ve been in the health arena, having just had a position paper I helped write adopted by the WHO on preventative health and sanitation in third and second world areas as methods to improve life expectancy, overall health, and population control. Sometimes, I hear a maniacal Roar of laughter raging from somewhere overhead.

3) Mom: Well, tomorrow is mothers day and this years gift for dear old mom: A new toilet seat. Seriously, it is fitting for anyone as full of shit as she was this past week; and she broke the one they have this morning. (Jenny Craig for the holidays?) On the other front, when confronted with her ultimatum and I chose Scott over her, she backed down and retorted with religion, then tears, and by this morning was quite, but more reasonable. (Prozac diet instead of JC?)

4) Dad: Damn, what a role reversal. I would have sworn for all my adult life that the roles of Mom and Dad would have been opposite in this situation, but here I find an ally in the most unlikely of all places on a Homo topic. I may need Prozac myself after this psychotic weekend.

5) Bella: Confused and loving every second of extra attention she can get.

6) Me: Exhausted. But happy to know that I still have Scott at my side to grow old when ever I decide I might be there. Funniest part of the week, I showed up nude in another blog. There goes their viewer ship!

7) Other: If it wasn’t related to Scott and I; it was put on hold till I felt like that situation in some sense of balance. Priorities please.

So, I’ve been trying to find the words to write this post for two days now with no success. I have always found it odd how the most important things to say are the most difficult, but I’ll try this one again.

On a cool but pleasant March evening, I talked with him again and agreed to meet over coffee (which, for the record I don’t drink). I arrived a bit early, but not too much so and ordered a spot of tea and sat and waited. I continued to wait for what seemed like an eternity, and about 15 minutes after the time discussed, I see a wonderful vision of loveliness enter the café, order a coffee, and come sit with me. After we finished with polite chit chat, my second tea spot, and his coffee; he asked if I wanted to go next door for pizza (with which he ordered beer, another taste I have never been able to acquire) and we spent most of the evening introducing ourselves to each other.

I didn’t hear back from Scott the next day, nor the next week… it was several weeks to a month before I caught him on line again and we chatted. I expressed how much I enjoyed our first date and how disappointed I was that he never returned my calls after that date. It seems from the tale I’ve heard that there was this other “Chris”, who was bigger freak than myself that he thought was calling. In the end, I was the one with an invitation to a party the next night.

As it turns out, that was a night that will live in infamy among the gay population that was there. Stories about my being dragged into the bushes were told far and wide. Those who used the back deck to go into the house were treated with a show of affection that would make even the teens in the mall making out blush! (Yes, I am that good of a kisser! LOL)

In the ensuing weeks, Scott somehow started living in my house, and sleeping with me (Please, no one tell the Pope.) and we became entwined in life beyond belief. Funny thing being, I was not looking to be in a relationship. I was simply looking a good fuck physical roll in the bed. But, somehow Scott became far more than a lover, he became my best friend.

Over the course of time, things became too comfortable I suppose, or something and we let things go unsaid and dun addressed. That took place alongside stresses that I had at work, he had in the business, and he started back to school full time as well.

With all of that, even less communication began. I finally had all I could handle and hurt my best friend in the most unthinkable manner. As we have talked over the last week, it is amazing the things that have congruently occurred in my life this past month. The correct results with the wrong catalyst type of scenario. In the end, it appears that wounds are to begin healing and hearts to soften, including my own. I won’t have to deal with the issue of the folks as I have in years past and maybe holidays will become more simple on me as well.

Today’s timeline:

7:30 - DG calls to see how things are going. I start describing the

week and conversations and for some reason start breaking down. She starts describing the upcoming diagnostic work she’s got to have done and breaks down. We had a good cry together on the telephone.

9:00 - I walk over to see if Scott’s about ready to go into town. He’s

in the shower. I look around the living room and break down again for no really good reason that I could pin point at that moment. (There’s a good one or two, but I won’t bore you with them here right now… I’ll save some of that for later maybe.)

10:30 – Telephone rings, restricted number, must be the folks. Starts

out with “I need to tell you something…”, the last time I heard that someone had died. This time it evolved into an ultimatum of either never go back to Boone/Blowing Rock and agree never to even speak to Scott, or get out early next week and stay of the family.

11:00 – I’m wondering if this world wouldn’t be a better place without

my presence. I start thinking really bad things along the lines of how nice it would be if I could get struck by lightening and become a vapor that once was.

11:30 – I meet with a friend, MT, who owns a coffee shop. He

amazingly enough, recognized through the tears and snots that I was upset. He came over sat down and said what’s wrong? I went through the whole ordeal and discovered he and his wife had a very similar situation, just as straight folks. He had an amazing ability to calm me down and help me get my senses about me as much as possible.

12:00 – I go back to the chalets to be alone with the dog. There was

no one else available at that point still. Scott was doing his exams, and there’s really no one else I wanted to talk to anyway.

5:00 – I’m about to go pick Scott up in Boone and grab dinner and

Hopefully I’ll be coherent enough to talk with him more and work on progressing through these days.

So, hopefully, your Monday went a little better than mine. I had anticipated doing a lot of foot work around Boone for Job Hunting. Instead, I only talked to two potential employers…the rest of the time I was pretty useless. I think it’s time for a glass of wine. You guys have a nice night; hopefully Tuesday will arrive soon with a better outlook and perspective.

So, from the conversation we (Scott and I) had one thing that was discussed was that sometimes we should argue. This is especially true when the principle in question is one worth fighting for and such a value to our very essence of life. I have to say I’ve never really thought that much about this in my life until that point and time.

In all reality, I’ve usually been good at conflict resolution, mostly because I don’t do conflict. Instead I diffuse it and move on. I guess I’m introverted with a fringe of passiveness (don’t laugh too hard at the fringe joke there boys and girls, it’s not that funny).

Another point of discussion was how we each look at ourselves and each other. One point made is how I find it so hard to believe I can be loved by another, and often even loved by myself. I do have the knack of looking at myself and seeing a lot of flaws stitched together and I am working on that. By the same token, over the last several years, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had Scott point out his physical attributes that are aging. I now realize I should have explained to him how, yes you’re aging, but every time I look at him all I can see is the young, vibrant stud that walked into the coffee shop and bounced from topic to topic and place to place. I still see that in his eyes and feel it in his caress; and as long as I can find that I don’t mind our aging processes.

As for the conflict resolution and making a stand for the important things in life; it started with my return down east. I realized on my drive back that I’ve to focus on finding a job that’ll fit me and make me happy in, or at least close by Boone/Blowing Rock. I decided I best get my parents broke in and warmed up to this. Now, as I’ve told Scott and posted before, he and my folks aren’t ever going to be buddies. Mom started in on how I needed to avoid being around Scott and so forth and so on. I almost allowed myself to let it all go and ignore it. Then it resonated in my mind that this is exactly a point where conflict can be advantageous. I dug my heals in and made my point that if I’m to be happy the decision of who I have in my life must be mine and I am not happy without Scott in my life… maybe she should at least respect me enough to accept that. Luckily, my mind was working this evening, I volleyed before the rally that at forty (well not quite, but it sounded better here) if she decided to make take a stand between me and who I wanted to have in my life it was a lonely field to stand in. While love for a parent is great, the love of a life is who one needs at their side to grow old with. I’m not resolving this conflict in my ordinary fashion… it’s too important.

Needless to say, dinner was very quite tonight.

I’m going to feel like a total damned fool if I fuck this up any more than I already have. I think I best get this machine turned off, and to bed in order to waken in time to post in the morning when I can get to town.

Might you all have a wonderful weekend with a joyous love of life.

Shalom.

This is a post that may seem somewhat unorganized and lacking in any particular train of comprehensible thought. I apologize to you in advance for it, but I am posting it as the thoughts come into my mind and not in any particular order.

I woke up Thursday Morning with a desire that I’ve no explanation for; it was just there in a monumental way. I had to hear the voice, see the face. I was rather obsessed for no good reason, but the desire has in all reality been there…. It was just a matter of why now did it manifest itself so strongly? I left the house knowing full well what I was about to attempt to embark upon, but with little hope of success.

I got to Raleigh and stopped for cocoa and worked my nerve up to make the call. I kept scrolling through the phone list and closing the phone. I finally decided this mental torture of myself wasn’t worth it, I would just not go through with it. I then did something I’ve never been known to do. I prepared a text message… and sent it. I then headed off to the west with doubt and frustration. I decided that is all else failed I could blame the drive on needing to accomplish tasks such as auto inspections, and voting.

By the time I hit the eastern side of Greensboro, Scott replied. His texts were filled with apprehension and the same angst I felt. I was approaching the western side f Winston Salem when we came to a consensus to meet at 5 in a restaurant in Boone.

It was a rather nerve racking event, I think I worked my nerves into a tension unmatched even by our initial meeting. Simple fact of the matter is I did not give Scott ample opportunity to defend himself and offer a resolution to issues. I took a bold, but cowardly action. I acknowledge I did wrong. I even took steps to justify it and cover up the initiation of my action. Again wrong on my part.

As the afternoon/evening wore on, we actually did something we haven’t done very well in years. We communicated. We talked without interruption other than the rabbit paths of conversation we’re both prone to.

In the end, I do not know exactly what this communication will evolve into, but it’s a start to something better for each of us. Our final hours brought about an agreement to continue our dialogue through the first of the week and take things cautiously and a bit slowly. Taking time to re-build, or reinforce a foundation that we each recognize weaknesses in. Acknowledging that there is work to be done on the goals and intentions of a relationship that went awry without the effort to help it heal.

In the end, I think I know where that desire Thursday came from after all; a huge part of being is the person that Scott is. When one finds a soul mate and love, they should sometimes overcome their own evasive/introvertive tendencies to argue and fight for that which is so very valuable, even as valuable as life itself.

I don’t deserve the time he gave me yesterday, but I do appreciate it. In the end, I don’t know what this will turn into and be, but it’s a better place than I’ve been in the last month, the last year even. I now at least have the hope which seemingly had escaped for so very long.

]]> http://christopherc.wordpress.com/2008/05/02/hope-of-a-new-dawn/feed/ christopher http://christopherc.wordpress.com/2008/05/01/an-odd-call/ http://christopherc.wordpress.com/2008/05/01/an-odd-call/#comments Wed, 30 Apr 2008 19:30:47 +0000 christopher http://christopherc.wordpress.com/?p=203

I received a call today from someone that asked to remain anonymous. They asked if I had tried to contact Scott since my departure. The answer is yes I have; I’ve left one voicemail that is unanswered and the instant message I attempted to send was blocked. I figure if he wants to talk to me he will let me know. The caller didn’t drop the conversation there as I had anticipated. A really odd thing for this particular kid to exhibit that much machismo.

So, it went on. They let me know they saw something I had posted on a new website yesterday and how amazed they were that we both were looking the same things according to his and my post. However, as the kid indicated, we never really let each other know about it. I wonder if we had, if things would be different today. I also wonder if I should try to contact again and see if there’s anything worth trying to work out between us. But, unless the caller was asked to contact me…I doubt my call would be received. Maybe, the kid will confront Scott with the same information.

I’m open to talk and listen…who knows what may be figured out.

It started out just as any other afternoon stroll. The shadows were long and in the sharper curves of the path a bit menacing. The left over puddles from the rain were a bit hazy and wreaked of spoiled vegetations. The song birds were serenading the dog and I as we encountered and greeted new people and dogs. An occasional squirrel or rabbit made cameo appearances to test the will of the dog to follow command. A black snake slithered across the path to stalk prey of the baritone bull frog in the distance.

The dog, as is her nature, found an enchanting scent that she could not resist. Probably that of a deer, but all the same her nose was to the ground and her eyes for all purposes may as well have been closed. The thumping of a Labrador is characteristic when they’re enthralled with a scent, and today her thumping was rhythmic from her intoxication of this scent. I then saw an immanent danger to her and called out, yanking on her lead. It was to no avail, her blindness to the obvious was equally as deaf. She rammed directly into a timber rattler with her over zealous snout. The serpent was picked up upon the bridge of her nose and both the snake and the dog were equally startled and mystified.

With a start, she jerked her head up as if to ask “What the ____?”and the serpent recoiled into the air as a finely tuned gymnast body upon the parallel bars. It seemed the serpent had a better game plan for the situation as it landed poised into a tight coil with its head held high hissing and ready to strike when the crescendo of the rattlers came. The dog although blond, understood there was danger and fell to her true nature and cowered… behind me. At the retreat of the dog, the snake decided it was interested in pursuing the game and followed. By this time, I had enough time to grab a stout stick and sweep the slithering beast from the ground and cast it into the wood where it remained.

It seems that lately, I’ve had snakes upon a lot of paths that I’ve had to remove. I suppose to everything there is a season. I’m just ready for the next one to come along and bring about a sense of peace and calm without so much going on about me. I’m ready to let my guard down, relax and get a good night’s sleep for a change. I’m not certain when, or how that’ll happen, but soon I hope for that part of life to reveal itself.

]]> http://christopherc.wordpress.com/2008/04/30/a-walk/feed/ christopher http://christopherc.wordpress.com/2008/04/23/familiar-strangers/ http://christopherc.wordpress.com/2008/04/23/familiar-strangers/#comments Wed, 23 Apr 2008 15:59:12 +0000 christopher http://christopherc.wordpress.com/?p=201

I stopped for an errand today that should have under normal conditions taken me about 3 minutes 14 seconds to complete. As with so many things in my recent history, the term normal isn’t a relevant factor and the conditions almost beckon for weirdness to flow forth and create a magic that I’m not expecting. In that regard, today was a brilliant success.

I ran into the building with my best “I’m on a mission, no shit Sherlock” look with intentions of getting in, out and on my way into the tasks of the day that I had on my mind. Fate had another agenda.

As I strolled through the magical sliding glass doors, I heard my name called over the loud page. My initial thought was: crap, what have I done now. Then I heard my name being called from a few feet away; I looked over and saw this the gentleman from which the sound of my name emanated. It had been years, 18 years to be exact since we had last seen each other; we both had grayed and “matured” in our skin, but were still as delighted to see a friendly face. We had worked together in a hospital laboratory where we each learned to perform venipunctures on the job to pay for our respective educations. He had married and had a ten year old son who attended a primitive camp outside Boone called Turtle creek, operated by an ornery old curmudgeon by the name of Ustes Conway who I had assisted in developing a well, sewage treatment system and food safety guidelines years ago.

As we were laughing and exchanging salutations, another lady in her 80’s showed up recognizing us by face and voice. She had been the keeper of our paper work in that hospital, and later been my secretary when I resided in the emergency department there. We neither recognized her as she has aged in reverse nor appeared far happier than she had ever been when we knew her at work.

As I finished my errand inside and proceeded out the door, my wondering ears were pierced by a shrill screech of my name. It was echoed in stereo this time though. As I turned to see what image would appear, I felt a bit like Ebenezer upon Christmas Eve being visited by ghosts… all of my past. For to my wondering eyes appeared two ladies that I had no idea of who they may be. I’ve learned the art of playing along though as usually people will reveal themselves. And in this instance, they certainly did manage to do this reminding me instantly as they informed me they went on after taking my class to become nurses, with one going on to be nurse anesthetist and the other a physician and they now work together. They thanked me for how I taught my classes and the encouragement I gave them to not stop with an associate’s degree.

I then proceeded to the car and sat there bewildered at the near three hours that a 3 minute 14 second task had taken me to complete. And with glee, I felt my heart swell with pride that people from my past saw me and sought me out to point out the impression and difference I had made in their lives. I had a moment all to myself to bask in the wonder of those who remember me from a younger more innocent time appreciating me.

I then contrasted that with strangers just meeting me in the last few weeks and how they see that younger more innocent reflection of myself and the potential of a future. I am encouraged to look at the world and the people I encounter again as a potential, and not as a problem to overcome.

For the future is ever changing according to the mold of conditions we set forth to shape it. What does your mold look like? Is that really how you want your future to shape up? What are you going to do to shape your world properly? I’m asking these questions of myself as I prepare to lie dawn to slumber. Maybe I should ask myself these questions more often and work on keeping that ever shape shifting mold closer to a happy shape.

“I need to take the dog for a walk I guess…” I said rather soberly as is my tendency at time, adding “she seems a bit anxious.”

“Let me get my shoes and I’ll walk with you, you need to know where the irons were set up.”

I though to myself, old man you showed me where they set the property irons just about a week ago; I really don’t want any company on a walk other than the dog tonight. But, also as is my tendency, I kept my mouth shut and patiently waited for Dad to put his shoes on.

As we rounded the bend of the path, he started in on what I was certain was on his mind. Telling me about my brother-in-law having a biopsy and their putting tubes in for drainage; asking if I thought that sounded right or if I thought there was something more extensive than a biopsy done. He proceeded to tell me that my oldest nephew was having a really hard time understanding what was going on and was acting up a lot more than normal; and they wanted me to sit down and try to talk to him and see if I could help him understand his father’s condition (as though anyone really knows what that is yet.).

We then skipped over to another topic, Dad’s Sister (my Aunt) is up for surgery for breast cancer later this week. Dad’s family is rather morbid when facing any adversity and especially with health; could I talk to her and try to pep her up and give her some encouragement. That should be easier than explaining the unknown to a 5 year old, right? LOL – you don’t know this side of my family, the 5 year old talk is probably easier.

Then, I got floored. I was asked how I was holding up. I was told that while my parents have been totally unable to understand why I’m gay, that they have and always will love me. This is a total turn around from statements in the past that they would disown a child of theirs that presented as gay. I was told how they never want to pry into my private business and life, but that it has been so obvious for the last several years that I’ve been in misery.

We talked about a night that occurred around 34 years ago. I had gone to bed to hear Mom and he having what at that time was a common place argument. I don’t know that those arguments and fights ever had any resolution, and may have at best resulted in more issues and situations than they solved. After the yelling, screaming, and banging around of things in the living room ceased I recall my bedroom door creaking open. It was Dad and I wondered if I was in trouble again. Instead of a typical fit of rage, he was quiet and humble as he sat on the edge of my bed. It was a single quiet question he presented me with, “Do you love me son?” I recall answering affirmatively, and he pulled the door to behind himself.

As I discovered all these years later, if I had paused, not answered, or replied negatively; he was to move out of the house. Fate enabled the feeble minded to give a reply to bind souls together as a family, albeit rather dysfunctional. The point being made by our discussion of that night was that I didn’t have children in my life and if my parents have been a bit confounded by how to talk to me about my situation for a long time… and if I had been married to a female with the issues I was coping with it would have been easier to talk about, but they saw no hope for such a destitute situation.

So, all those years of living in the shadows of pronouncements from the past yielded a glorious moment of sharing and resolution for the future. My parents still don’t want to talk about “lifestyles”, but have made a valiant effort to choose their words far more cautiously with me. It may be the most respect I could have ever dreamed of for them to show me. The opportunities my parents have taken to express pride in me have always been rare, but they are tremendous when they occur. This may top the other four instances when they have actually sat down into words to tell me how proud they are of me. The first time I recall being when I graduated from High School, the second being graduation with my undergraduate degrees, the third being when I actually was able to replace all my ratty furniture with new in a new apartment, the fourth being when I was named as health care policy advisor/witness for the senate, and now they’re proud of me for not sticking with a failing relationship.

This, I believe to be the first time they’ve ever expressed pride in me for being me – even a gay me.

I think I can say “Wow” now. The last month has taught me something, People really are good at heart. If you are a quality person to them, for the most part you get a quality person in return. Maybe, when the world seems to crumble around you, one should look at one’s self for the issue prior to placing the blame upon the shoulders of everyone else. I’m glad I’m seeing this ad learning this more clearly every day and that through this I can become a better person for those around me.

I wanted to go out and have a wild night while in Atlanta. However, that’s simply not in my nature. I did make it over to one of the bars thinking I could go dancing, but I hate bars and am not a fan of dancing for that matter, so I left and walked and walked and walked around the city. I’m horrid at having any sense of danger in a strange place it seems, but sunrise is so much nicer when your legs are like rubber bands and you’ve got your mind cleared from over thinking sitting on an overpass hanging your legs off the bridge. I managed to keep myself up for about 48 hours with only 4 hours of napping thrown in there and felt more alive for it soaking up sunrises and sunsets and devouring the moments and thought and dreams that occurred between each of them.

One thing I always do when in Atlanta is go to the restaurant, ENOS to eat. It’s a bit pricey, but always wonderful food and wine. They proved to be as good as ever this trip also. One thing again was different than in the past. I went a bit late, and they were slow. I was initially the only person in the bar in fact; until a mature lady (Lou) came in to eat. Not long after Lou’s arrival, Dana appeared. Lou and Dana live around the restaurant/bar and know each other. As I was sitting at the pinnacle of the triangle in the bar, I could not help but overhear the conversation between them about how Dana had remodeled his condo and was preparing to move and rent the unit. I thought, there’s no way I could afford that place in this location… and then the dog issue would have to be negotiated.

As my after dinner wine arrived, Lou slid down to say I had a familiar look about me. I thought it an odd statement, and responded that I didn’t think we had met. I was corrected by her that this was not the intended message. I questioned what she meant and found she, along with others the previous day recognized something about me and my life. After an hour of conversation with her and Dana, we all exchanged contact information and as it ends up, I may be able to work something out with Dana on that condo rental.

I also met Tim through a mutual friend. Tim is also a healthcare person and we had a long discussion on our professional journeys. After many hours of conversation, we discovered that much of our lives were paralleled. While I sojourned down the public health corridor, he has followed a pharmacopeia route. In the end, we are able to help each other in several arenas and I have another new friend.

I must admit, I should have never allowed myself to become so hardened to the fortune I have with those I’m surrounded by. Not once on this journey over the weekend did I encounter a harsh word, or any sign of malice; only mercy, love, and a joy for life.

I am amazed at how easily I forgot how wonderful people are and how much they (as a rule) want to help another out. I’m glad I’ve allowed myself to discover the joy of people from their perspective so that I can have that perspective blended into my own.

I took this weekend to get away to myself and escape a lot the frustrations I‘ve had stuck in my mind recently. I have not taken a trip by myself for recreational purposes in a decade. I guess I’m lined up for a lot of firsts in the next while again.

Part of me wanted to simply get away with no plan; that’s never a good idea as I get bored far too easily. I went down to evaluate an area which I may be moving to instead. I decided Atlanta has enough options to indulge one’s self into and I could do a cost of living study over the weekend as well. So, I made arrangements for the weekend; called a perspective employer to say, ‘Hey, I’m going to be in the area. Want to talk while I’m there?” Amazingly enough, had two offers for a dialog while I’m visiting as well, one was Friday evening, another Monday morning on my way out of town! It’s a good thing as I know about what each of them are capable and willing to pay me.

Of far more interest to me, the adventures/misadventures of the weekend thus far have been far greater, and more positive than I could have dreamed of! I’ve had three people in different situations approach me to tell me about my aura. One desired to touch me in three places; not what I’m used to, or comfortable with. But, after verifying where and why they wanted to touch me I consented. (Hey, I’m breaking my mold and discovering a new me… might as well get rid of those old comfort zones, right?) Ends up, they wanted to touch my forehead to get a sense of my mind; my chest over my heart to see into my heart; and my left shoulder to sense my self esteem. I was amazed at the accuracy this person had for insight into my life and past. They described each of my four grandparents to 80% accuracy, including their deaths and my age at their deaths. They came to tell me about my life, education, and career path to date and described my current interview/job search. They also described my relationship with Scott and our parting. All three offered a sense of positive directive for my future. I remain amazed at how wonderful people really are. I’ve had so many good experiences with people over the last few weeks that I am convinced that I’ve removed blinders to see humanity in a new light. I think I’m more positive in the way I carry myself and present myself resulting in a more positive response from those I encounter.

I am healing and improving and every time I have a positive experience with people in the world, I realize just a bit more how wonderful the world is. And a huge part of my new attitude and view is the support and love from you guys. Thank you!

So, yesterday I sat down to write a post. As I began I felt a wave of emotion hit, it was April 15. We had set that date aside for the celebration of our anniversary almost a decade ago. I was a bit perplexed as I thought about that factoid. Instead capping a decade of being together we were separate and noting the end of a relationship. In many regards, I had hoped the phone would ring. In other regards I was relieved that it did not. I wondered if I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, or one of the most defining for making a way into the future.

I went on to wonder if the phone should ring and we came to terms of both having made mistakes and put the other into an awkward position if we could reconcile and bring a relationship back to life. I’ve little hope that we could maintain the changes needed as we have tried that over the last several years with no luck, but it was an interesting exercise in thinking at least.

Odd thing is, I never thought about it being an anniversary calendar date until I sat down to write… in the very place we first met for a date.

I for some reason think the gods are laughing.

I’ll post the thoughts I was working on later…

-C

OK, I suppose I should post some sort of update on things. I really hate making the sort of posts I did here in the last couple of weeks, but it was a good place and way to vent and think. The one thing I did not anticipate was the reaction of loving support that I found through comments, emails, and phone calls. I know that the blog world is composed of a pretty tight knit community, but it was overwhelming the support I found through it during a time of personal crises. I appreciate each of you, and your thoughts/prayers/energies/meditations/etc.

Now, as I posted previously, I’ve turned down the job offer in Jackson Hole, Wyoming primarily due to a lack of available housing that I would find suitable. I guess I’m a housing snob. So, I went from one of the least densely populated regions of the Country to another job offer in Alexandra, Virginia. Alexandria is among the most densely populated cities in the nation. I walked to the interview from my room in downtown Alexandria and was in awe of how cooped it must feel to live like that and no one I encountered seemed very happy. All in all, it seemed to be a dirty area with misery at every turn and again the cost of living quarters for the amount of living space was a bit high, especially in relation to the salary being offered. Well, that set my thinker to thinking and after three hours of interviewing I had made my mind up that there is no way I could live in that environment either. Their anticipation was to have someone at their call for a moderate salary, but not enough to justify the area, nor the cost of living there. I suppose I’m destined for another mid-sized to rural setting with a poor enough economy that I can find a nice place to live affordably and enough salary that I can acquire some sense of savings.

I am planning to head out to Seattle in a week or two to evaluate their department and interview them. Additionally, three Local Health Departments in North Carolina have extended offers to be interviewed by me as well. (I prefer thinking of the interview process as if they’ll work as an employer for me, rather than the other way around.) There is a small county north of Atlanta that I have worked with in the past When I was stationed there years ago that has expressed interest in me coming to check their operation out as well.

I think the job issue will take care of itself soon enough. I may take some more time to check around areas like Portland, and a few mid-western areas as well while I’m heading out to Seattle and make it a full trip with a bigger tour of the Northern Terrace of the mid-west and North West Corner of the country.

Ok, about me. I’m still bruised, but have noted a marked improvement in my ability to control my emotions better after this past week/weekend. I still wake myself up sobbing in the night, but I’m able to sleep and actually am eating more normally again. The best news it that for several months I’ve had a few physical signs and symptoms that had no physiological explanation: chest pains, constant coughing, aching joints, headaches, etc. The chest pains are gone. The cough has stopped. The headaches are rarities now. The aching joints are less severe, but the hereditary arthritis in my hands is always to be there I suspect. I’m feeling better and more confident than I have in a very long time. It is amazing what your body will do to you when placed under undue stress to try and get your attention.

Through the last week, the weather everywhere I’ve been has been foul. The skies have insisted on opening up and pouring their empathy upon me. I’ve found the weather to be like an old dear friend with their hand upon my shoulder for comfort, lending strength saying I’m here with you. I’ve been approached by total strangers offering shelter and friendship to me as a total stranger.

As I sat in one restaurant trying to hold myself together in a new and strange place I broke into tears as the food arrived. As I regained my composure the couple at the table next to me was obviously engrossed with the sob show next to them. SO much so, they decided I needed their company, and they were correct. Over dinner and wine we exchanged life stories and the events of my recent weeks. As fate would have it, they were compassionate souls and they picked up the tab for dinner and expressed an interest in my well being. They declared my karma as good and offered me a place to live while they are out of town for a few months and thereafter as needed. I’m not going to be able to use that offer, but it is a wonderful example of the type of loving compassion I’ve discovered. If anything, my fate in humanity may be restored through people like this. If Jennifer and Mark are reading this, thanks for the huge boost of positive energy you guys shared with me over dinner.

And thanks to everyone else, you’ve given me a buffer to cushion my fall as of late. Life is better because I’ve encountered each of you, some in person some through messages, others just by being there in the wings. Might peace and hope be upon each of us this week as we venture out into the future.

Shalom.

I must give credit to Truthspew for locating this link… please view with an open mind and a light heart:

Ok, I’m getting tired of my diversionary respite. I’m to make some decisions and pretty damned rapidly now regarding work and living conditions.

I’ve a few options on the table as laid out in the following grid with the good and negatives:

So, there are a few options out there and more should be available next week. I’m pretty much opting out of the Wyoming offer based on the housing situation and a few other things I found out Friday. It is a lovely area and the people there are sweet, but I’m not sure it’s a place for me at the moment. I’m certain there’s a multitude of things I should be looking at that I didn’t layout, but it’s all a process.

So far I’m thinking “A” and “D” are front runners. Any other thoughts or observations?

As with so many other thoughts and ideas I’ve had over the past few years, I’m most certain this one too shall be met with a haunting response of defiance and rebuke from those who have and continue to mean the most to me…

I willingly acknowledge I did something last week I should not have done, at least not in the manner in which I did it. However, over the past several years, I’ve felt manipulated and taken advantage of. I’ve made every attempt to talk and work through the decisively uncertain conditions I had come to accept as my home and family. I’ve sought counseling as my other half told me that I was the problem and I was the one sick in the head. My counselor didn’t see things from his perspective.

I have found it impossible to have a conversation when his attention was drawn away to chat room buddies and those conversations; I cannot have a conversation of confrontations as he well knew; I am not able to compete with the television for dinner conversation. I simply gave up. Every time things come to the point they reached last week we agree to make more opportunity for our family and home on a per day basis, only to have that shatter and things fall back apart again.

This past week as you pushed me away so you could chat and watch your webcams, I became frustrated only to have you start posting and confronting me again. I called for a counseling appointment to try and work through these crises as it must be my fault again; this time I was the recipient of advice that our situation was recurring every 9-12 months and either I had to accept the terms and limits set upon me by you or leave and leaving meant at that very moment.

I fled seeking solitude and a respite, having cried myself to sleep ever since then hoping to awaken to a better day and a whole life again. I don’t expect I’ll ever be whole as no one, including all those I love most have ever accepted me as I am, nor considered me a whole person.

I’m not sure I can ever fully love another, nor myself as I’m really not certain I‘ve ever been loved and accepted by another.  These are the moments of life that misery hampers the ability to live. I’ve no job, no place to live, and no idea which way to turn in search of my life; I feel pushed out into the cold waiting on a new day to dawn.

Maybe today will turn me around and repeal this nightmare and allow a dream to start anew.

With apologies I post this morning for my having been on mute for some time I break that silence with the dawning of a new day…

I’m somewhat reminded of “Ides”, my first secretary. She wasn’t the brightest creature on the face of neither the globe, nor the prettiest either. I would hand scribble a letter to be sent out and she would key it into the only computer the agency had at that time. I would get the letter back, mark it up for corrections and give I t back. The letter would come back to me for a signature and I would find more mistakes, more new mistakes. After several months of this process on a daily basis and asking questions, I finally noticed something… the letters were not in a data base when she was done, she was utilizing the “word processor” as an old fashioned type writer.  What really amazed me was the simple fact that she had no intention of developing an interest in word processing and database entry.

She later developed a taste for one of the staff’s desk top candy bowl’s contents. He then decided he would place some paint balls in the dish with the candy. Ides commented at the end of the day she didn’t like the “juicy blue candy” as it was bitter when it popped open in the mouth! This having been stated about the same moment we all realized her teeth were painted blue, there was a near riot of laughter without any explanation. A few weeks later, I returned to the office after lunch one day to have Ides exclaim “this day shore has been an adventure!” to which I retorted, “Everyday is an adventure when you’re an idiot.”  Her response- “It shore is!”

We eventually replaced Ides due to her maladies within and beyond the office due to a legal investigation. However, it must be noted that sometimes those dim bulbs in the chandelier of life make for some remarkably humorous shadows on the walls of life.  Those who we encounter that seem to be monkeys swinging upon the chandeliers of life make us appreciate the dim wits a bit more I think. For sometime, as many of you know, I’ve been contemplating a change in the course of my career . The last month or so has culminated in work being busy and frustrating often due to administrative issues. Infuriating may be a better adjective. Simple fact of the matter is I tendered my resignation amongst protests from my staff and director yesterday. I may end up unemployed overall, but I think this is for the best at the moment.

I have hopes that the concept of consulting with a few larger clients and infilling my time with some smaller projects will fund my habit of eating and being sheltered. Otherwise, I may be calling around looking some other full time work soon… but at least I’m getting a few monkey’s off my back and off the chandeliers too!

Although my posting of new thoughts has been silent recently, the moments of silence have yielded me a golden opportunity to change my life for the better.  At least I hope this to be the case!

I think I’m winding down my tour of Jackson, Wyoming. The plan in to catch a plane first thing in the morning to Cincinnati to Atlanta to Charlotte… a few more connections than I’m all comfortable with when flying Delta being that I’ve seen their track record lately.  The latest in Delta’s string of headlines happens to be one of their pilots careening off the runway coming into Jackson this week, luckily, I’m going out and not in having seen this.

All in all, I must admit it has been a great trip and the extension for a vacation was more needed than I realized. Here’s the rundown of most of the activities encountered on this trip:

Thursday: flew in late (Delta Airlines remember?); the rental car company was supposed to be waiting for me at baggage claim wasn’t there. I called them 30 minutes later and three calls later they still weren’t there (Have I ever mentioned I get pissed off with bad customer service and further pissed when they out and out lie to me?) so I called and told the person on the other end what I thought of their company and where they could insert their rental car. The resort I was being housed in sent the shuttle out to pick me up; arriving promptly in the 10-15 minute time frame I was quoted!!

Friday: I woke with plenty of time to get ready for the visit with the public health folks. The meetings started out over breakfast with the Local Health Director and the County Manager. We then toured Jackson Hole so I would know a bit more about the community and region. We then proceeded to the Local Health Department where I met the Nursing Staff and Environmental Health Staff with a round robin battery of questions from both them and I. By Three O’clock that Afternoon I was dropped back off at the ski resort had dinner and wine then off to bed.

Saturday: I woke up ready to ski! I quickly learned that indeed the powder for skiing here is much much nicer than that which we have back in North Carolina. The Green (easy) slopes here are closer to the double black diamonds (difficult) slopes back in North Carolina. Of course the trade off is it wasn’t a solid sheet of ice I was skiing on here in Wyoming. So all in all maybe it’s a fair trade of difficulty, just a matter of what one is accustomed to. It wasn’t until much later when I went back in to get a glass of vino at the bar that I was told two tidbits that I reason to be my sensible fear of these slopes: 1) it’s the steepest slope in North America; and 2) It’s one of the Olympic Training Sites. Overall, I think I did ok on these slopes having never been out before, and had a great time falling and sliding down the mountain.

Sunday: I woke up as previously posted to discover the airport was closing down. I had my typical mental anguish over whether or not I will be able to get home and how Bella is feeling all abandoned and lonely without her pack being there. They passed with dinner and wine of course! Plus, I finally found some new shoes that actually have traction, grabbed a swim suite and hit the hot tub. (Rare for me to hit a hot tub as I can sense the pseudomonas just sitting there stalking people coming into the water.