As with so many other thoughts and ideas I’ve had over the past few years, I’m most certain this one too shall be met with a haunting response of defiance and rebuke from those who have and continue to mean the most to me…
I willingly acknowledge I did something last week I should not have done, at least not in the manner in which I did it. However, over the past several years, I’ve felt manipulated and taken advantage of. I’ve made every attempt to talk and work through the decisively uncertain conditions I had come to accept as my home and family. I’ve sought counseling as my other half told me that I was the problem and I was the one sick in the head. My counselor didn’t see things from his perspective.
I have found it impossible to have a conversation when his attention was drawn away to chat room buddies and those conversations; I cannot have a conversation of confrontations as he well knew; I am not able to compete with the television for dinner conversation. I simply gave up. Every time things come to the point they reached last week we agree to make more opportunity for our family and home on a per day basis, only to have that shatter and things fall back apart again.
This past week as you pushed me away so you could chat and watch your webcams, I became frustrated only to have you start posting and confronting me again. I called for a counseling appointment to try and work through these crises as it must be my fault again; this time I was the recipient of advice that our situation was recurring every 9-12 months and either I had to accept the terms and limits set upon me by you or leave and leaving meant at that very moment.
I fled seeking solitude and a respite, having cried myself to sleep ever since then hoping to awaken to a better day and a whole life again. I don’t expect I’ll ever be whole as no one, including all those I love most have ever accepted me as I am, nor considered me a whole person.
I’m not sure I can ever fully love another, nor myself as I’m really not certain I‘ve ever been loved and accepted by another. These are the moments of life that misery hampers the ability to live. I’ve no job, no place to live, and no idea which way to turn in search of my life; I feel pushed out into the cold waiting on a new day to dawn.
Maybe today will turn me around and repeal this nightmare and allow a dream to start anew.
oh dear god. i am unbelievably sorry christopher. please, please know that if i were closer, you know i’d be there in a minute. to listen. to hold. to hug. whatever was necessary. it is a poingant reminder to me, to all of us, to listen to those nearby, or far away. just listen. sounds simple, doesn’t it? today i send you my love, thoughts for as much peace as is possible, and for joy — as much as is to be found right now. please, be in touch if you’d like to be. i can’t stand the thought of our world, our relationships, falling apart. i send you my love and hugs. for all they are worth.
C – I’m sad for you guys. Very sad. Break ups hurt the heart so badly.
There is always a spot for you in Canberra if you want to try some escapisim!!?
Mel x
I’m so very, very sorry, Christopher. My thoughts are with you. Mindful of the fact that I don’t know nearly enough of what you’ve been through or what you’re going through now, I offer you the following very fundamental truth: If you have been living a situation where your partner hasn’t been accepting you for who you are – and I mean ALL of you, then changing that circumstance – however you do it – is the very least you can do for yourself. You deserve to be accepted by the people in your life. We all do. Your decision was a courageous one. A new dream will come. {{HUG}}
I am so very sorry, honestly and truly, I am. I know what it’s like to not be accepted 100% for who you are by those you love the most. If I were closer you would have a place to stay in a heart beat, hell, you have one now. I’ve also been without a home so I know what that is like too.
I wish I had the words that would make everything all better for you. I wish that I could do more than type ineffectually at my computer. You are a wonderful, caring, loving person and if he can’t see that, well that’s his loss.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m a good listener, just let me know and I’ll shoot you my phone number (something I never do).
Whatever happens know that there are people out there that honestly care for you.
My love, thoughts, and prayers are with you my friend,
~Kiba
I admire your strength to follow through with what you need to do in order to be happy in your life, even though the destination is often reached through pain.
It’s how we grow.
Nothing in life is wasted. Although one may perceive a recently broken-up relationship as a “waste of time — why did I do this?” — it was in fact something you needed to experience, for whatever reason.
The important thing NOW is for you to take care of yourself and your needs. I send you positive energy to find a home and work that is rewarding.
Best wishes, Christopher!
Wow. I was aware you were making some changes in your employment situation. Last time I check in here (usually about once every week or two) it seemed the decision to leave the job was a sound one, and though perhaps a bit scary, you were taking a leap of faith and doing what you need to do.
And here you are, doing what you need to do in your personal life. But that’s harder, I think. There usually is more invested in a personal relationship than a business relationship. The separation is more wrenching.
This is a lot of major change for you in a very short period of time. That will stretch a man to his limits. Please stay connected to your support structure. Allow yourself to forgive YOU! Email me if you’d like. You can find the email link on my blog profile page.
And I’m not too far from you, I think. I’m in western South Carolina, about 45 minutes south of Greeniville. Come visit, enjoy the lovely warm Spring that Mother Nature is exposing here in Greenwood if you’d like.
Take care of you, sweetheart. You will be alright eventually, even if you can’t see that from here.
Today I came across your web site, from “Sticky Crows” as a link.
As with the other comments listed here, I am too sorry to hear of this impending break up. Life doesn’t need to take those turns, for they are far too many these days.
I sympathy to you
Oh Christopher I am so very sorry to read of this news. You have been very guarded of your personal life on your blog and what has been happening behind the scenes. And to see this posted really pains me. The wisdom that you have shared with me and the help that you have offered me have always been welcomed and appreciated. I hope that I can help in any way during this difficult time. ((((Christopher))))
It takes courage to do what you did … but that doesn’t negate the fear and grief. In doing so you are loving and accepting your own self, and that’s the beginning. Realising a dream always begins with action. Without that, it can never happen. You have taken that first action. Bless you, Christopher. May this be the start of your fields of gold …
Hey Christopher,
I just discovered your blog and I can so relate to your pain. I went through the same thing over 2 years ago.
Hang out with your family and friends, the ones that support you. But if you’re like me you may find yourself withdrawing for a bit. Glad you’re seeing a counselor. The road is difficult enough without some guidance. But even if you can’t see it now, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Take care,
Greg
Christopher, my mother wanted you to know that she is thinking about you. She does know about you and Scott, and can not wait to be there for you again soon. She is trying to the best of her ability to keep her sanity knowing that all of her friends appear to be falling apart and she can not be there for the ones she loves right now!